Intervention MWUAHAHA
by Amethyst Archer
Summary: Canon is canon. But not everyone likes that, right? Evil OC kidnaps the characters of Glee and starts her rampage on canon, much to the confusion and chagrin of her captives. This is very cracky, hopefully a nice way to get some laughs...


**Crack!fic: What is going on here? Well, as I hope you can all tell, I adore Glee to pieces. The cast is so freakin' amazingly talented, it's unreal. That being said, I am a hard-to-please fangirl, and so many things happen in canon that I want to change! Sadly, RIB does not include me in their acronymical (Does that count as the disclaimer? I think it does.) coalition of collaboration, and it's probably for the better because they are doing an amazing job with the show. But you see, I need an outlet for all of my pent-up feelings, and the place for this is fanfiction. Basically, I am writing my evil alter ego into this story, and the characters are doing whatever the hell I want, for once. Canon up to _New York_ - then takes a sudden, serious dive into AU. **

**Sidenote: While this may have things that I love, it is in a completely different universe from my multi-chaptered fic, Lovesick Puppies. Oh yeah, and V-mann, if you're reading this, you know some of the crazy things I want in canon haha, and I hope it makes you at least smile a little after the crappy day we're both having.**

**I've had part of this written for awhile, as mostly therapy, and I know I have other things I should be working on, but I just felt like sharing this. It is totally cracky, and if that's not your thing, you might be in trouble here. This could quite possibly be a oneshot, with you guys just knowing at least how I would want them to start having sense smacked into them, so I'm labeling it "Complete" for now. I'm sorry to the people who are used to more... serious things from me, but I just had so much fun writing this.**

**Rating T: For language, relationship drama, morbid movie references, and safety**

**Spoilers: Everything up to _New York_, and a scary view into what I want canon to be...**

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><p><strong>Intervention MWUAHAHA<strong>

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><p>"Hello, everyone. I hope you are having a wonderful day. My name is Amethyst," a female voice called out fondly, if somewhat evilly. Over twenty pairs of eyes snapped to the dark-haired, young woman. She had all of them in full sight, and her face twisted into a ridiculously cunning smile that somehow just didn't look menacing, though it should have. Mike Chang and Tina Cohen-Chang were hand in hand, terrified. Mr. Schue was trying to calm Emma down who was freaking out over the immaculate whiteness surrounding them. Despite the fact that it seemed there was no possible way any germs could be where they were, it reminded her way too much of dairy products. Basically, the entire group was freaking out and acting respectively according to their character.<p>

"I don't remember coming in here," Brittany S. Pierce stated contemplatively in the way that she often did, her tone still calm; she was used to things confusing her, "One minute Lord Tubbington is helping me with fondue, and the next I'm in an eggshell."

_An eggshell? _Amethyst thought, _That's Brittany's one-liner? Psssh. No wonder I'm here. They need me ASAP._

Noah Puckerman had his arms wrapped possessively around Lauren; it was a little obvious he was trying to impress her, and her face was caught between a grimace and a smirk at his attempts of wooing. Puck glared at the woman and demanded angrily, "Why are we here? Did you drug us all or something? Who the hell are you?"

"Bitch." Santana Lopez added in to punctuate the last sentence.

"Well, my darlings," Amethyst began, unable to keep the laughter out of her voice, "I have come to play a game..."

"What? Hell no!" Sam Evans shouted. Everyone turned to him in surprise; Sam usually did not make outbursts, like this - well okay maybe he had had some pretty dramatic moments lately, but normally Sam was a pretty quiet guy, "I know how this plays out. We all die in the end. I am not going down like this."

Amethyst rolled her eyes, "This is _not_ a remake of a Saw movie."

"Like hell," Sam countered; everyone stared at him again, worried that his concerns were valid.

"I assure you; nobody shall die today from my doing," Amethyst said gently, but oh so coolly, "unless it's accidentally, and if that happens you have my sincere apologies in advance."

Blaine Anderson was standing next to his gaping boyfriend. Kurt Hummel had a hand unconsciously on his hip as he stared at the woman with an open mouth. Blaine gave Kurt a brief glance before he bravely spoke out, "'Accidentally'? What kind of sick game are you playing?"

"Oh no, no, no, Blaine," Amethyst began. A collective gasp went through the crowd as their midnight-haired captor stated Blaine's name, "That won't do at all."

Wes Montgomery looked at the woman with distaste. Was this _Amethyst_ threatening his friend and the Warblers' lead (no matter that regionals were over)? If she was, the dapper Asian _would_ get Mercedes and they _would_ cut her. He growled out angrily, "What won't d-"

"Shut your mouth, Wesley," Amethyst interrupted flatly, "You do not get to speak at all unless it's to offer one-note advice and spew out a fact of past Warblers' performances whilst causing a sad Kurt. Don't you dare start developing on me. You exist to be part of the plot device that is the Warblers and send all the fangirls weak at the knees from your charming smile, no matter how much I adore fanfiction where you are much pushier and more epic. Same goes for you, David." She smiled as Wes actually shut his mouth and looked at her painfully while David glared.

"Now, before I was so rudely interrupted," Amethyst began, "I was saying that Blaine's behavior is completely unacceptable. Your relationship is nowhere near satisfactory. Why can't you be more like Luck? Look at them," she gestured to Puck who still had his arms around Lauren,

"Excuse me, Ms. Crazy," Holly addressed Amethyst, characteristically winking at everyone in the room as she said the words, "But why exactly am I here? I see that everyone else here lives in Ohio, but I've just accepted a job at-"

"Oh no," Amethyst chided, "You are not getting away from this. Whether or not you realized it, when you showed up at McKinley, you were signing up for commitment."

"Well, I know that I shouldn't be here," Carl called out, "I am far away from the school, never taught there, and have no intentions of visiting any time soon." He cast a brief look at Emma, who looked down ashamedly.

"I know what you mean, dude," Holly looked at Carl, "That place does ca-razy things to people's heads."

Amethyst glared at her, "Were you just flirting with Carl? Nuh-uh. Okay. I'm separating you. We'll talk later."

"Wha-" Holly manged to get out before she was suddenly sucked down into the white of the floor, disappearing as if it had been made of quicksand. At that, Will stood up and started walking over to Amethyst. She held her hand out and he stopped in his tracks, but he still angrily blurted out, "What did you to her? She didn't deserve it. She might be a little out there and go after attractive guys who can sing, but she's a wonderful person who cares about the students she teaches, and she always tries her best to make it interesting for them, and... and..." He stopped, too full of emotion to continue.

"Aaah. Very nice. Exactly the reaction I hoped you would have, William," Amethyst commented, enjoying how much she sounded like Sue Sylvester, "I think it's time to start putting you away so I can deal with you each as I please. Sam, you're the second victim of my game," Amethyst continued, her eyes were sparkling, "And your secret girlfriend is third... Don't worry; you can stay together." The group, especially Quinn, shot confused looks at Sam. Mercedes looked away, and they were both sucked into the floor.

"No!" came a squeak surprisingly from Kurt who looked extremely worried. Amethyst silenced him with a glare. Blaine patted Kurt's shoulder, and she smiled at that.

Amethyst returned her gaze to Will and Emma. Emma was trying to comfort Will, but her own anxiety was inhibiting her from being too comforting. Amethyst didn't even say a word, and they were both sucked into the floor.

She turned to Mike and Tina, "My Asian lovebirds, keep up the good work. Tina, just make sure you keep growing emotionally. He will lose those abs someday. Mike stop obsessing over everything being Asian all the time, and you two will be fine. Don't bother answering." Tina and Mike looked oddly pleased and terrified at the same time as they just clutched each other bracing themselves as they were suddenly sucked into the floor. Amethyst directed her attention away from them.

"Brittany?" Amethyst asked gently.

"What do you want with Brittany?" Santana and Artie shouted simultaneously. Brittany looked confusedly at both of them.

"Okay, this is exactly my problem with the three of you," Amethyst sighed, "Fine, I'll address it later."

Amethyst then began talking to herself aloud, possibly meaning for them to hear, "I don't want them alone though. Hmmm. Would Santana attack... but isn't she? Yes, but still... Aaah okay."

Amethyst addressed the group again, "Santana, I'm sending you off on your own. Artie, you're getting your own room, but you'll be accompanied soon enough. Brittany, I'm sending you off with Carl and Emma." Santana scowled at her placement. Amethyst caught this and added, "Santana, if you are going to be a lesbian, honey, you have to stop making advances at the male dentist like you want to rape him." After that announcement, Carl, Brittany, Santana, and Artie were all sucked down into the floor."

She looked around the room, and finally spotted Dave Karofsky who had his hands in his pockets and looked as if he wanted to disappear, "I think it's best to send you off. I don't really have anything to say to you now." Dave was sucked into the floor, joining Santana in where she had ended up. The entire group did not know where anyone was sent off unless Amethyst announced it.

"I think that what you're doing is crazy," Quinn interjected, "If you have such a problem with us, do you think intimidation and pressure is going to make us change or just hate you instead? Don't you know you can't make people do anything they don't want to do?"

"Aah, Quinn," Amethyst smiled, "I have plans for you. Thank you for standing up for yourself. It makes me happy. Goodbye, sweetie." Quinn's eyes grew wide in surprise as the floor consumed her, and she was sent off to Artie's room, not that the rest of the group knew that.

"Quinn..." Kurt squeaked out weakly while shooting a glare at Amethyst.

"Why do you still care about Quinn?" Amethyst demanded, "You haven't had any interaction this year."

"We were... friends... we... last year - dance partners all the time. Mercedes and... She doesn't have anyone! At least Mercedes and Sam were together," Kurt was very upset, unable to keep his usual composure.

"Oh, I know about your disappearing friendship," Amethyst interjected, "I'm just glad there's still a sliver of it remaining. There is a lot I want to say to you, but for now, you and your Hufflepuff of a boyfriend can wait." She winked at Blaine and Kurt. They were both sucked into the floor.

Amethyst fixed her sight on the remaining Warblers, "Wes, David, goodbye, dapper sirs. Perhaps I should have captured Thad as well?" Wes and David fell through the floor as Thad fell into the room. He brushed himself off, wide-eyed, opening his mouth, but not having time to say anything before being pulled into the white of the ground.

Amethyst continued sorting the group. Finn Hudson went into his own room. Jesse St. James and Rachel Berry ended up together, after both protesting that the whiteness was damaging their singing voices. Ken Tenaka and Shannon Beiste were thrown into the same room. Anthony Rashad and Sunshine Corazon suddenly appeared as Amethyst seemed to remember she wanted them, and they ended up waiting with Dave Karofsky and Santana Lopez. Lauren Zizes and Noah Puckerman went into the same room as Mike Chang and Tina Cohen-Chang.

"That'll do for now," Amethyst said to herself, as she looked around the now-empty room, "Now to start dealing with them individually." She cracked her knuckles and smiled to herself. She held her arms out and was sucked into the floor.


End file.
